How to Help Caregivers

Caring for Our Caregivers: Helping Unsung Heroes

This “Aging with Grace” article was written by Jennifer Sanders and published in the Catholic Advance, The Official Newspaper of the Diocese of Wichita.

I truly believe that some of the most unsung heroes in our everyday lives are those who serve as caregivers. We are fortunate to have an exceptionally talented and dedicated team of caregivers at Catholic Care Center. Even now after all these years, I am in awe as I watch them care for our residents with such patience and grace. Many have been on our team for years, others joined more recently after newly beginning
their careers or finding that something was missing in their service at other communities. Recently, one of our long-tenured clinical associates was talking with me and a prospective resident whom I was touring around campus. I was congratulating her on her recent service anniversary of celebrating 18 years with our ministry, and we were reminiscing about all the experiences we’ve shared together at Catholic Care Center.

I was thinking later how when people read in our newsletter that this associate is celebrating such a milestone, they will likely be suitably impressed because that is quite an accomplishment. What they may not take into account is that this is more than 18 years of 9-5 work. This nursing assistant has spent 18 years learning the names of all the family and friends of those she’s cared for, attended nearly every funeral Mass for those who have spent their final days in our care, many of those Masses she was not only greeting and consoling families, co workers, and friends of the deceased, but also holding a baby on her hip and keeping one at her side by the hand, and also volunteering her time to help with a variety of special events and projects. She is extraordinary, and she is not alone.

“Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do is to admit that you cannot provide the level of care that your loved one needs, and consider making the move to a senior living community.”

Most caregivers, both professional and family caregivers, are balancing a lot of roles all at once. Sometimes we call this “wearing many hats” but I think that is misleading because typically you wear only one hat at a time, and rarely does a caregiver have the opportunity to completely tune out of one role to take on another. It’s everything happening, all at once, 24/7. Of course, that is one of the reasons that communities like Catholic Care Center exist. For many people, the 24/7, 1:1 caregiving role is not sustainable, and they find that a safer and healthier option is moving to a place where a team is available to assist. I often remind families who are experiencing feelings of guilt over not being able to care for a loved one at home that our team doesn’t work 24/7 either. We work shifts as a team and then go home. Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do is to admit that you cannot provide the level of care that your loved one needs, and consider making the move to a senior living community.

Over the years, I have witnessed the tragic effects of caregivers waiting too long to waive the white flag, and often they end up in need of care for themselves. Early on, I remember working with a gentleman in his mid-80s. He was caring for his wife, who suffered from Alzheimer’s disease, and he was working hard to keep her at home. He would come to our caregiver support group meetings, and he had explored options for her in our community “in case” things ever got to that point. If love and devotion miraculously cured the devastating effects of memory loss, his wife would have been healed many times over; he was truly such a devoted and attentive husband. We had many wonderful conversations, and I greatly admired his dedication to his wife. I encouraged him to consider joining our ministry family because they would both be such a blessing to have here. He really felt that he was honoring her wishes and his vows to her by keeping her at home, and he continued to come to our support group and try to make it work.

Several months after initially meeting this couple, two women walked in the door near my office and asked the receptionist if she could point them in the direction of Jennifer. At hearing my name, I came out of my office and seeing them both I felt like I knew them, they seemed familiar, but I couldn’t place them. One stepped forward and I saw that she had my card in her hand, she was on the verge of tears, so I invited them into my office, where we could talk privately. As it turned out, they were the daughters of this couple. Their father had suffered a massive heart attack and was dead. They were now grieving the unexpected loss of their father and realizing the extent of their mother’s condition, which their father had tried so hard to shield them from. They were at a loss, and they found my card in his desk and came to see what conversations we’d had and how we could care for their mom. We were able to welcome their mom to memory care, but I wished so much that we could give them back just a few more moments with their dad, moments free of the burden of caregiving, where they could really enjoy themselves.

This scenario, unfortunately, has been repeated many times over the years, and it reminds us that caregivers must allow themselves to be cared for, and that we all need to be mindful of the care and support they need and help them in their journey.

Whether they be professional or family caregivers, at some point, everyone will need a break, and we must be willing to ask for and accept that help. Sometimes that is the hardest part so here are some ways that the rest of us can help support the caregivers in our lives:

• Offer them a break by staying with the person they are caring for. Rather than saying “call me if you need a break,” be more specific and ask for example “Can I come over on Tuesday at 10:00? I have a couple of free hours, and I’d love to give you a break.”
• Sometimes a person really just needs a moment of peace in their own home. Is the person they are caring for able to go for a car ride or a walk? Offer to take them out for a while.
• Deliver ready fresh produce, or ready to eat meals. We hear from caregivers that sometimes the time to grocery shop and cook is very limited so they fall into a rut of endless microwave dinners. What a treat fresh fruit or a salad is to someone who doesn’t have the time or energy to prepare it.
• Ask what errands you can run for them? Maybe they need you to pick up groceries or prescriptions.
• And never underestimate the need for socialization and companionship. That is another common experience, particularly for people caring for someone who cognitively or physically cannot easily go out into social settings. They and their caregivers can be starved for conversation and fellowship. Spend time together whenever they are comfortable, bring dinner, play a game, sit and talk. Just being present can be a great blessing.

Most importantly, whether you are a caregiver or a support to a caregiver, remember: every day is a new day. You do the best you can, and then tomorrow you try again. We are not perfect, and neither is this journey as professional or family caregivers, but I’ve yet to meet very many people who weren’t putting their heart and soul into the effort, so give yourself a little grace, and offer grace to those around you.

Catholic Care Center takes pride in providing compassionate care as a trusted retirement community in Wichita, KS. In addition to Memory Care services, we provide independent living apartments, rehabilitation, senior behavioral health services, and assisted living in Wichita, KS. We are happy to provide resources to caregivers as well. Please contact us for assistance!