How to Help a Loved One Move Into a Senior Living Community

The Transition to Assisted Living, Short-Term Care, or Memory Care Can Be Tough. We’re Here to Help!

This “Aging with Grace: Home Not So Sweet Home” article was written by Jennifer Sanders and published in the Catholic Advance, The Official Newspaper of the Diocese of Wichita.

How many times in your life have you made the move from one home to another? Maybe the first time was when you left for college or got married? Maybe you’ve lived in the same house for decades, or maybe your career led you to relocate frequently? For most of us, these moves were largely our decision. Yes, maybe you were told what city your new position would be in, but you likely chose your new home.

As we age, the desire to choose where we live, and ultimately to maintain control over these types of decisions, doesn’t diminish. In fact, sometimes those feelings are intensified as a person starts to grieve the loss of control in other areas of their life such as the passing of friends, the physical deficits that sometimes are part of the aging process, and inability to enjoy hobbies or interests. But what does that mean for an adult child or even sometimes a spouse, when a move needs to occur because the current home environment can’t offer the level of care or safety that is now needed?

That is the question that many caregivers and families face each day, and I can tell you from my seat on the bus, it’s a tough one to tackle! I frequently preface my conversations with patients in the hospital who are being referred to our short-term skilled nursing rehab center, that my role as our hospital liaison is equivalent to the lost luggage counter at the airport. By the time we get together, things are already probably not going as planned, so I understand why the patients are sometimes less than thrilled to see me and hear about their next adventure into rehab. Other times, I have the privilege of meeting with families to select and renovate one of our patio homes in the independent living residence at Catholic Care Center, and believe me, people are much more enthusiastic about selecting their new carpet than learning how many hours a day they will be expected to do physical therapy!

Let Them “Be in the Driver’s Seat”

In all these interactions, one thing remains constant: it’s important that we highlight the things that ARE in the resident or patient’s control. Sometimes the decision to move really isn’t up to them, but we can still work to find things about the process that they can make a choice about, it might be a small thing, but it’s still control and it’s still helping a person to “be in the driver’s seat.” There are almost always decisions to be made, and including the person most impacted by those decisions is always a good way to build rapport and garner trust and cooperation.

What if you are still meeting a lot of opposition? One of my favorite tactics that we have seen play out successfully over the years is the idea of a temporary stay. If you are facing a loved one that truly isn’t safe in their current environment, present the idea to them that based on their current needs the “doctor” is recommending that they move to whatever the situation is, assisted living, memory care, etc, “for a couple of months while they work on getting their strength back.” Based on your unique situation, you will know how to amend this message so it makes sense. I understand, it can feel a little misleading or dishonest, but at the end of the day, what’s most important is ensuring that they are safe and I’ve yet to find a doctor wouldn’t support this cause so you should have some backup for the mission! So what happens in a “couple of months” well, in 17 years I’ve yet to have anyone decide to leave. The hardest part of almost any move is deciding to go, once you are there with your favorite things, good food, great people, and the peace of mind of having a team to support you 24/7, it would be hard to imagine giving it all up and going back home.

Here are some other tips and tricks for success when proposing a move to a senior living community:

• Ask the community if your loved one can come for lunch and/or stay for an activity or social. For some people who love socializing, this will make all the difference. For others it can be overwhelming so think about their level of social comfort/anxiety before attempting this maneuver.
• Make sure that they understand it’s a new address, not a completely new life. Remind them of all the things that WON’T change for example, weekly visits from the grandkids, trips out to the salon, family meals and holidays
• Help them get excited about the move by selecting a new décor item for their new space. It’s amazing to me what a pretty new throw blanket or pillow can do to perk up even the smallest, most “medical” looking accommodation. Most communities today are modern, bright, and attractive, but any amount of personalization is a great way to “sell” the move and reemphasize what a positive experience it will be!
• Offer the move as a way to regain their independence, not to lose it!

Very early in my career, I had a fiercely independent woman and her daughter-in-law in my office after their tour and lunch date. She sat across from me and lamented that she was tired of “that one” telling her what to do and when to do it, and she wished her son wasn’t so busy at work that he could help her more. As I reflect on this now, I can only credit what happened next to divine intervention because there is no way that I, in my early career and younger days, could have crafted the response that came out of my mouth. I looked directly at this prospective resident, smiled, and said, “Well, I’ve got some good news, if you move into this apartment, you will have a nurse, a chef, a housekeeper, and a chauffeur. You won’t need her help with these things, so she won’t be telling you what to do. Instead, you will be inviting her and your son to visit socially when it’s convenient for you based on your new social schedule.” A slow smile crept upon her face, and she said, “I think you’re my kinda girl, where do I sign?” And days like that are one of the many reasons why I truly LOVE the ministry of senior living!

Have a topic you’d like to see covered in “Aging with Grace,” or have a question about our assisted living facilities, dementia care, or memory care in Wichita? Please email Jennifer at jennifer.sanders@catholiccarecenter.org